I can't eat that but its not my fault; a letter to my Non-Jewish coworker.

You were being so nice

You meant well - I get it. And I’m a jerk. And all because you and I understand “religion” very differently.

Let me illustrate; I had a friend who converted to Judaism. And as a convert myself, we were talking about her Beit Din and the process. She told me she had the Rabbi she converted with convene a special Beit Din with two others who she trusted, since she didn’t like the established Batei Din, and “I wanted a process that aligned with my values.” If that sounds normal and relatable to you, then you are not alone. 

But as I said, I am a jerk. Because to me, the point of joining the Jewish people has nothing to do with your subjective values, and everything to do with participating in a collective that is bigger than you are, whose rules are defined by Torah as understood through the Rabbinic tradition. In that analysis, you want a process that is rigorously adherent to Jewish law, and accepted by a majority of the collective.

A parable; say you want to become an American. You apply for citizenship, overcome the many barriers to same, and are now ready to be sworn in as an American. Your future as an American - and whether others recognize you as an American, with all the rights and privileges pertaining thereto - depends on whether you have properly engaged in the citizenship process, including the swearing in. You could go to the swearing in at City Hall, with local officials presiding, but you don’t like them very much - they don’t align with your values. Instead you find some American friends who share your beliefs, and arrange a private ceremony. One that better expresses your individuality. Nevermind that now many will not recognize you as an American citizen! Your values were respected.

No one would do such a thing, because what they are trying to accomplish via the citizenship process is not about their personal values, it is about their ability to participate in a collective, an adherence to a system outside yourself.

Ah, but religion is personal, you say. Individual. About your subjective beliefs. 

I disagree vehemently that Judaism is described by this. The idea that religion is a personal choice that can be separated from every other identity marker in your life is a fundamentally non-Jewish way of seeing the world. You can be born a member of the Jewish tribe. You can become a member of the Jewish tribe through a recognized conversion process. But being a member of the tribe is a holistic identity, not a set of subjective beliefs and preferences. It’s not that the Jewish people don’t have a set of beliefs, it’s that whether any individual Jew holds those beliefs doesn’t determine their membership in the Jewish collective.

All of which brings me to a co-worker who likes to bake. She asked me how she could make kosher food for me. Which is so kind - I mean, really, really sweet. She has made food for other people who keep kosher, in her vegetarian kitchen, so surely it must be fine.

Sigh. “While some people keep kosher in ways that are more accessible, “ I explained “I only eat food prepared in a kosher kitchen under supervision. If you do not keep kosher yourself, it would not be possible.”

If some people do it, why can’t I? Isn’t it my choice? 

That’s the insistence that lives behind the first, “but my kitchen is vegetarian,” and then “but my other friends who keep kosher eat my baking…”

The insistence is; couldn’t you just make a different choice? Aren’t you just being a jerk? So strict!

My husband worked at a big law firm when he first finished law school, and one day went into the break room where someone had left cookies. Excited, he checked the package to see if they were kosher. When he discovered they had no kosher certification, he said something along the lines of, “aw, bummer.” A senior attorney who was also in the break room angrily replied that it was his own choice to keep kosher, so he had no one to blame but himself, and walked out.

It’s true, from one point of view. 

But from another point of view (i.e., mine), it’s not up to me what is and isn’t kosher according to normative Jewish law. While no one will arrest me for eating a cookie that doesn’t have kosher supervision, I will have broken with normative Jewish law as I understand it (and I’ve taken the time to try and understand it). Just as many people would not violate the law of the land in which they live even if there are unlikely to be consequences (i.e., they won’t get caught), it’s not “beliefs” or “choice” that govern their analysis (though of course those play a role). It’s participation in a collective that is larger than the individual and has a set of norms and laws to which we are beholden. Viewing participation in Jewish law as “more” voluntary or belief-based than other kinds of collective laws is an outside-in approach to Judaism. It arises from a non-Jewish paradigm where public life is governed by one set of real rules, and religion is private, individual, and largely a matter of emotions and ideas.

Let me explain what I mean.

When I choose not to eat a cookie without kosher supervision, I’m not asking myself, “ What will be the truest expression of my spiritual self with respect to this cookie?” I’m asking, “is this permitted by normative Jewish law as defined by my community through the Rabbinic tradition?” I’m situating the source of authority outside myself, rather than in my own feelings. Because Judaism for me isn’t a set of beliefs. In that sense it is not a Faith. Not that we don’t have faith or beliefs - we have a long and rich tradition of both. Rather it is participation in a collective that has been sharing a destiny for thousands of years. 

So I’m sorry, because I really do get that you meant to be kind. You wanted to feed me - offering nourishment to others is a deep way of extending community, and letting others know you care about them. But I actually can’t eat something prepared in a non-kosher but vegetarian kitchen. Or rather, I won’t. Not because it is a spiritual expression, though perhaps on some level, it is, but because it would break with Jewish law as I understand it. So strict!

I hope you can understand.